Seeing in the dark
It was 2005, and I had gone to the office of a colleague at the integrative medical center in Chapel Hill where I taught meditation to receive a cranial-sacral massage. This is a very specialized form of energy work and massage that focuses on balancing the central nervous system. It has been known to put me in an altered state, somewhere between dreaming and being awake. My friend put on some music with a background rhythmic drumbeat while I lay on her therapy table. As she began her work, I found myself relaxing into a deep dreamlike trance.
In that state, I suddenly found myself in the presence of a magnificent leopard. I approached him and he crawled into my lap, letting me stroke his fur and wrap my arms around him. I could feel his powerful muscles and the softness of his fur. We were sitting in front of a fire and there was a man, dressed in some sort of indigenous clothing dancing near the fire. I felt such love and affection for that leopard and from him in return. I felt intuitively that he was telling me that I should not be afraid of spiritual power or any personal power, but should in fact embrace it, just as I was embracing him. All of this was communicated without words. I was deeply moved by the experience and as my consciousness drifted back to the room at the end of the session, I felt tears slip from the corners my eyes. The experience was surprising and real and visceral. I didn’t know what to make of it, but I wanted to linger in that feeling of expanded awareness and warmth.
After that first surprising journey, I sought out a friend of mine who, besides being a psychiatrist, was trained in shamanic practices. She explained that I had spontaneously gone on a “journey” during that magical session, probably led by that hypnotic drum beat. She suggested that I was being called to learn more about that practice and later taught me how to purposely “journey,” or enter similar states of non-ordinary reality by using the recording of a drumbeat. After my initial forays into journeying, I didn't practice on a regular basis and eventually stopped altogether. Life has a way of diverting me from even my best intentions.
In 2017, the summer after my mother’s death, I sought out a medium to connect with her. She and I both had had a long history from childhood of occasionally talking with psychics or mediums. It is a belief we held in common, that we could communicate with those who had passed over or simply have some peek into our futures. During that session, I got a clear and strong message from my deceased mother to go back to the practice of shamanism, to find some teachers and then teach others. This was not something she might have suggested during her lifetime. For that matter, I probably would have ignored her advice if she had. But the directive was so emphatic I started exploring.
I found two practitioners in nearby Durham. Marcia and Jack Hebrank, who had a beginner’s workshop in “Core Shamanism” scheduled later that fall.
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My first sensation when sitting in a brightly lit room with 10 other students, was that I felt I had come home in some profound way. I was probably the oldest in the group and I didn’t know anyone else. Many were in healing professions, others had had a variety of spiritual experiences and connections and wanted to learn more. Others had some personal issues that they were looking to gain insight into. I took a deep breathe and settled in.
The “coursework” was based on Michael Harner’s careful lifelong and worldwide study of shamanism. I felt safe and supported throughout and the group quickly bonded. Each lesson, from the guidance into the first journey for some and later instruction for using those journeys to assist others with divination or insight was carefully explained. We learned about how to reach enter a “non-ordinary reality” and specific destinations to meet our compassionate helping spirits. We also learned to retrieve helpers for others. And we learned what not to do..things such as journeying for others without permission. “That is sorcery,” repeated our teachers emphatically.
On my journeys in the workshop and beyond, I observed many natural elements, trees, meadows, mountains and animals and variety of landscapes. I met spiritual teachers and personal totem animals, both known as compassionate helping spirits. Everything I saw or interacted with…the landscape or other symbols offered guidance or some form of healing. In those realms, I have communicated with a variety of animals, met otherworldly spirits, been shown stunning landscapes, indigenous warriors, and even my longtime Teacher has shown up. Before beginning, I choose a question or intention so that my spiritual guides and intuition gives me some direction to my inquiry. The answers might come in words, pictures or symbols, the language of dreams and metaphor. My role is to observe and feel the impact or intent of what I see or experience to directly access higher levels of consciousness, perspective and insight.
I have come to have greater insight into the role of the totem or “power animal,” too. A person could have many of them or just one..depending on what attributes or help was needed at any given time. My relationship and assistance could be strengthened just by asking for more help and making time to intentionally connect with the spirits. This was a striking concept for me who does not often ask for help. I found that the more I asked for help and expressed my appreciation for it, the more that was available to me.
l have come to think of these helping spirits as Jungian archetypes that contain a matrix of energy and characteristics, not unlike a mandala. They come to us to “fill in” a weak spot in our own energy field and consciousness. That could be a need to be more playful, or to listen carefully, or to speak out about what we believe. I have also become aware through more training and practice, that spirit is so much “bigger” than objects and lifeforms on our earthly plane. In some ways spirit, including our own souls, have to become more “dense” or “smaller” for us to receive and recognize it.
And conversely, we benefit from expanding our consciousness, to “lighten up” so to speak. Traveling in this “non-ordinary reality” becomes a meeting point between our earthly self and the realm of spirit.
Much to my delight and surprise, over time I have managed to connect to many animal helpers, angels, and other spirits. I guess I must need a lot of help. Every journey is different for me and I never know who might show up. This is especially true when I journey on behalf of a client or friend. Afterwards I think of these helpers with great affection and gratitude for their help.
The courage and curiosity to explore these realms is not for everyone. But sometimes we are blindsided by unanswered questions, a personal crisis, we find ourselves facing the abyss, or we simply discover a great and loving spirit while we are getting a massage.
For me, limiting my world view to daily ordinary reality now feels like there is something missing-something that always felt absent whenever I loss connection with spirit, the path of my soul. Everything is flatter, like medieval masterpieces painted without the understanding of perspective. Objects are sized and placed according to their importance to the painter. They can be rich and colorful, interesting, but from our modern knowledge we know they are totally out of proportion to reality. Their work has a built in distortion meant to communicate a certain truth and point of view. I now know that I have choice to embrace this view or seek another.
This painter, me, now chooses to see with a really broad perspective, where objects and their importance can shift and flow like eddies in a stream, where everything has life and vitality and a vibrational signature. Then I can gaze with a soft gaze and watch for patterns and understand without words. Then I can see in the dark.